i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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