I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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