I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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