i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
