Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
