I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I am spending my child support on dildos
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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