i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
