Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
