How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
