I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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