Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Randomize
