If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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