Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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