I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
