Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
