And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
