the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Dating After Heartbreak
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk