I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
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His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..