we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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