Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Randomize
