I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
