You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Randomize
