Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
