i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
