flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
