Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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