First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
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