i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
