Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
