i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
