Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...