Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.