i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..