The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
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Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
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The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.