Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
