shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
