I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
