He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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