She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
