ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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