I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
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