I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
My feet surprised me
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
