it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
