Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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