Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Your face is a jimmy john
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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