can u get pink eye on your cock?
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
