Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
