Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
