apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize
