I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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