1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
