this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
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Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
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do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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