Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
