I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I love having hate sex.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
