Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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