I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
