i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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