In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Randomize
