and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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