i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
