Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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